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• decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
• One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
• When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
• I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
• sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
• X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
• X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
• What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
• slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
• wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
• X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
• People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
• Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
• WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
• ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
• Dear Santa, let me explain…
• I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
• My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
• If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
• Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
• Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
• Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
• Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
• ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
• _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
• if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
• scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
• ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
• Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
• The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
• Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
• i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
• Cut here —————–✄———————-
• Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
• I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
• People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
• Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
• Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
• Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
• Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
• So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
• X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
• Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
• You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
• Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
• I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
• Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
• I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
• X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
• Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
• what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
• I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
• press the star below and watch it glow 
• ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
• I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
• Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
• X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
• Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
• I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
• X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
• X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
• ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
• wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
• X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
• Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
• If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
• eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
• I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
• a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
• ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
• too cool for school.
• trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
• the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
• –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
• definitely not watching what not to wear.
• forcing my dog to learn how to google.
• kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
• Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
• X is Loading ████████████ 99%
• Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
• U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
• X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
• Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
• I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
• In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
• X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
• never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
• a day late and a dollar short.
• Insert coin to view my status message.
• If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
• We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
• happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
• seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
• remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
• > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
• 20/20 hearing!

More Funny Facebook statuses From our Readers !

Boy: So, sex at my place?
Girl: Yah!
Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we’re making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder.
Girl: OK?
~Later~
…Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE!
Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!

I know the world isn’t going 2 end in 2012 cuz my yogurt expires in 2013!

I like to name my ipod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.

Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.

Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like

Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?

I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected ”

Roses are redish, Violets are blueish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we would all be Jewish!

why do we need school???
music~we have YouTube for that.
Spanish ~i watch Dora.
English ~everything is shortened anyway (brb,idk,lol).
geography~i will buy a globe.
history~they are all dead anyway.
math~that is why we have the calculator.
spelling~we have spell check on the computer.

People make the world go around but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?

NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

“how do you spell gay?”
“g.a.y?”
“noooo! j.u.s.t.i.n b.i.e.b.e.r!” (;

what’s the difference between puberty & a water bottle? a water bottle hit Justin Bieber first! (;

Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag xD

Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.

Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.

We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich ! 

Me and my mom were shopping for new Cd’s and she asked me..
Mom: honey, Who’s your favorite artist?
Me: Eminem
Mom: The candy?
Me: no the rapper
Mom:What’s so special good about Candy Wrappers?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?

status: I can’t log into facebook 

A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser

*BLOND GOES TO THE DOCTOR TO FIND OUT IF SHE IS PREGNENT*
Doctor: your pregnent
Blond: *smiles* 
Doctor: your having twins
Blond: *crys*
Doctor: is’ant that good?
Blond: i dont know who the father is for the other baby
Doctor: LUCKY IM A BRUNETTE !!!!!!!

Did you know in Japan girls keep their phones on vibrate and put them down their crotch? Don’t feel bad if they don’t answer. It means they’re busy  All i want to know is, where can i get a number? 

Your make-up looks so pretty:) lol jk it looks like a crayola raped your face!!!

My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won???”

Sometimes i fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

i know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling

Guy: Did It Hurt?
Chick: Did What Hurt?
Guy: When you fell from…
Chick: Heaven Awww :’)
Guy: No, when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down!!
Chick: ……….
Guy: Hahaha BITCH!!

Sorry, Ke$ha the party dont stop till I walk in.

honk if you love Jesus Textwhile driving if you want to meet him.

Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.

How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?……………enough to kill 2 1/2 men….

I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!

Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

Relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.

I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me .

I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”

Justin bieber: DAD DAD i just had sex
Justin biebers dad: REALY!!!1 THATS SOO AWESOME SON
Justin bieber: i just have one question
J B’s dad: Whats that?
Justin bieber: when will my arse stop hurting
J B;s dad: -.- …

A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby n asked…so how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?..Doesn’t bother me,he responds..actually once u get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new.

I wonder what will happen if Steve Jobs dies…. His tombstone may read – iDead…

Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.

A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!

Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except for a punch in the face. But we can still raise awareness!

One day a chicken croxed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!

Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!

I’d rather Cry over cuts & stitches. not sluts & bitches !

Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself